In the spring of 2008, my mind started slowing down. The Acme rocket had finally run out of gas. I had exhausted every angle of the Cozmeena vision that I could think of. It was time for the next phase.
During those months of discovery, I had such a clear vision of how to help that I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I felt I had a solution. I wanted to save the world. I wanted everyone to know what I knew, to have what I had and to see what I saw. Yes this was a heady notion. Yes, the notion was a bit grandiose but (although it sounds crazy now) I felt I could do it.
I would try to explain the Cozmeena concept to my friends most of which would politely nod their heads and humor me. After a few minutes their eyes would glaze over and I knew I’d lost them. This was frustrating. There were a special few, including my brother Mark, my friends Sarah and Susan and a handful of others that actually got what I was saying. But to the world at large, I sounded like a nut.
The biggest problem was that the Cozmeena concept was so vast, that to try to explain it in less than an hour was almost impossible. Try as I might to put it down ‘the funnel’, I couldn’t seem to digest it down to a workable size. So when no one would listen to me anymore and I started sounding crazy even to myself, I took the hint and put it away. I set it aside for an undermined amount of time. I had the solid understanding that even though it had been such important part of my life, I may never pull it out again. And that was okay. The truth is that the entire ride and manic experience of reprocessing my life had been necessary for me to finally become quiet and just ‘be’.
To sooth my disappointed ego, Dr. Vilardi would patiently listen and tell me of Mother Teresa’s philosophy, “That you can only affect those along your path.” I thought about this. I considered this. When I came down to earth, I embraced it. I continued making Pocket Hearts® and gave them out at every opportunity. I continued knitting Cozmeena Shawls to share and care for women that crossed my path. I baked Cozmeena Granola and other yummy, comfort foods and shared them with family and friends.
I tucked in with my kids and was finally content to just ‘be’. Without realizing it, I had been given this amazing gift. I could enjoy my life living in the here and now; I was mindfully living in the moment. I was finished with grandiose thinking. I had worked so hard and had been on such manic ride for so long that to be quiet and live a simple daily life was a pleasure. I enjoyed my children and the daily satisfactions of taking care them. While I had to initially tolerate feelings of deflation, my mind was quiet for the first time in my life. I had never known the serenity of peace-of-mind. Now I had it. In truth, it was what I had been working toward the entire time. It was all just a part of the process and it took quieting down to realize it.
The mental churning and ruminating that I’d lost thousands of hours to in my prior life was gone forever. I embraced the notion of less is more. I lived every day in ‘the moment’ with gratitude and humility. I walked with friends and talked about their lives. I tried to stay on the surface; to be lighthearted in my conversation. To accomplish this is/was a constant struggle having gone so deep for so long but I wanted to learn the skill of listening. I tried then and continue to try to this day. I appreciated this simple gift. What a pleasure. What a reward. I smelled the roses every day with happiness and peace. As Dr. Vilardi says, “Be satisfied with less and magnificence will follow.” How true it is.